This is always what happens

 Somethings don't click, and I know I have a bunch of shit to do today but I need to get this expressed. I am trying my best, and the only thing that I can take from is how much time I spend with my boyfriend. I know it sounds like a bunch of garbage, oh, she values her relationship more than her homework. but, honestly this may be the worst trimester of my high school career from a grade perspective. I am in class, I am conscious 85% of the time, yet I don't know that certain things are due or that are required of me. It fills me with a great sadness that this is happening, but I am trying to hard to maintain my emotional sanity while being a good student. I have no excuses. It's all my fault.

Positive energy.

   I personally believe in will power, the power of the mind. If you can dream it, you can achieve it! So, today when I found out that I may have damaged my hearing for the rest of my life, I decided to think positively. For about thirty minutes i sat in my room and thought about healing. I told my toes to my brain to heal, and I figured it's more beneficial then just for my ears. Honestly, so many people are focused with maintaining average, when I want to be better. I want to grow and be healed. I'm going to learn about auras, and hopefully this will aid in me trying to have more direct and powerful thoughts.

^ this is "Rainbow In My Room"

it projects a rainbow on the wall, and it captivates me to no end.

My boyfriend purchased one for me.

Thank you Mr. Russell, for showing us that video. It aligned with my preconceived ideas and it also defined them better by giving my stance data and facts behind it.

Plans:

-Take the Universalclass.com Aura course.

-Clean my room.

-Take steps to decrease my compulsions.

-Help, not hurt.

-Strive to do my best.

-Be up to date with homework.

 I really hope I don't appear as a hippie, because I'm not. I just think that one cannot rely on something else to better their own life. My exe told me that I appear as the kind of person that gets taken care of, and I think that is a bog insult. 

  If I can't do something, show me how. I want to learn. I feel like right now I'm going through a period of just learning, and I know that I should have this perspective for the rest of my life. Yet, right now there is such a burning passion to learn and be able to impact the world.

---------------

I wish I could you be honest with you guys, and tell you what I've learned, and the mistakes I've made. You will have to find out for yourself, I'm just concerned that you can learn from it.

I plan on being as awesome as my mother,

just with less anger issues, and less emphasis on money.

I'll probably

still fuck up my kids

regardless of

what I do 

or do not do.

(Don't worry,  I still going to do everything in my power not to.)

Can't I ever say no?

 My stomach feels weird from the mountain dew. It's too late, I know. Anyways, i have a way of bring on responsibilities.

I just finished Marching Band,

time consuming, spirit killing marching band.

With the addition of working when i was involved in that...

Now, I have loads of time. Happy, fixing life time. 

[I still have work though]

but now I'm planning on working(Fri, Sat, and/or Sunday 15 hours),

having work study like 2 times a week,

having a college course once a week,

and earning as much certification online for the animal health field as i can.

Oh, and I'll have to be taking statistics at HHS,

and an English course online.

Possible? I think so.

If it doesn't work out I'd rather drop my OCC class.

However that whole law thing is kind of

annoying.

48 hours a week.

Work+school.

i need 15 hours to work,

and I hope that transportation doesn't count.

Ohhh well. We'll see.

Either way my schedule would be like

M- OTC 7:45-10:45 HHS 12:00-2:30  *

Tu-Work Study 8:00 to11:30 HHS 12 :00 to 2:30  *

W- Work study 8:00 to 11:30 HHS 12:00 to2:30  *

Th- OTC 7:45- 10:45 HHS  12:00 to 2:30   *

Fri- OTC 7:45-10:45 HHS 12:00-2:30 Work?

Sa- Work?

Su- Work?

[Tuesday and Wednesday may be exchanged for another weekend]

*- possible day for OCC course, no more than three hours.

Doesn't seem that bad now that I look at it now.

Maturity

Pay attention, because some times you will be left to your bare emotions,

and I'm so lucky that when worst came to worst 

I handled myself better than most.

Luckily I have healthy habits when I get upset.

I cry, and talk, and laugh when something is funny, and I try to be happy again.

To not dwell on sadness is my goal.

I have this blanket statement,

That every individual can control their emotions.

(I.E. they choose to be sad, or mad, or happy)

but in the case of someone's death, one can't really help their emotions.

So I figured out what the holes in the blanket statement were. 

A person's mental attachments can alter their control

over their emotions.

So their attachments can obviously make the feel a certain emotion

but regardless a person can choose how they act about it.

So, make wise choices about how you react,

because your reactions become habits,

which often people get owned by their habits rather than own them.

you post a title!

 Today I will go to bed at 10:40. Today i will finish my homework, and today I will take a few steps to get my life back on track.  I can't wait for saturday, because that will be the day I get some freedom to put pieces together. I'm tried of being tired and neglecting my health. Emotionally and physically.

 I hope my kids, are able to find the mental and physical strength to change their life when things go in a  bad direction. I hope that i am strong enough of a parent to assist that positive change, and not hinder it. I hope I don't mess up too much, and I hope my kids can look past it.

 Saturday is state finals. I'm excited.
Tomorrow: School Practice Work Sleep.
Last Friday of this insanity.

Happy face.

Interesting.

 I learned that some people can only see themselves, and it's mystifying how they get away with it. This girl on the bus was following inches behind a young man, and when he stopped to sit down she huffed because he became too close to her. It's crazy how people don't see outside themselves.

 I don't know if I have blind spots, and of course I'm sure everything claims that they don't have any. They see everything perfectly and their view is the right one. who knows what makes the best view? I'm sure Buddah would know. I guess, just stick to a view that works for you. The people around you will give you clues on whether it's reasonable( unless they're at fault).

Location, location, location

doesn't matter. There i was, with my self-proclaimed love of my present life. Agnst? maybe. probably. I wanted to let him know that I never want to see the man bring him down, and then I thought, maybe I already have? through I deep discussions that I work for men that purposely keep wages low, and their paychecks high. I put so much into that job, and maybe, it is my attachment to that job that is my downside. I care about how I do, and how the party parents view me. i wanted to tell Michael why i was so upset, why that day I walked into Philosophy wanting to cry(Thanks Alec for asking :] ). As i walked through that crowded hallways before class, I wanted to purposely bump into people  that were standing and talking. I was exhausted by people's crap that is superficial. My friends that do nothing wrong started to annoy me. I hate that. It was wrong of me, and I started to take it out on Michael too. There is definitely a shift in my sense of mood. I'm "just going through a rough time". The 5th of November, the day my shackles will loosen. [State Finals]

I personally believe that the state of my room(clean/dirty) impacts how my emotional state it(sensible/crazy).


Either way, teacher assign homework on Friday assuming that kids will have all the time in the world to complete it. I get maybe two hour packets of time to do it, and even then I'm either in between two things i have to do, or I miss out on sleep.  I'm guilty in a sense though. I find time to hang out with Michael too.

Monday- Marching Band 6-9

Tuesday- Marching Band 2:30-5

Wednesday- Marching Band 6-9

Thursday- Work:?

Friday- Marching Band 2:30-5(or till 11 p.m.((football game)))  Work?

Saturday- Marching Band 9/or/10/or/11- 4/or/ 11 p.m. (9-4 before we compete, till 11 when we do.)

Sunday- Work!

Hu hum.

I went yesterday to ask for applications.

I have to see Stacy on Monday.

They're open 8 a.m. to 6 p.m.

I have school and practice till 5:30.

Anxiety.

I feel as though I'm prone to anxiety. At my current job, especially in the winter I accumulate tons of anxiety. I've never knew what it was like to mentally freak out so much, that I stopped myself from breathing. which sounds terrible, but when it occurs I still have a dreadful sense of humor. One time, I got out of work, I kept myself from crying in till I walked out of the doors. The entire weekend i was a mess, crying just because of how depressed I was, I even skipped school on monday because Sunday night at 2 a.m. I couldn't walk up the stairs without bawling my eyes out. my lovely boyfriend tried to help me, but I was still so sad... I still have this job and I'm not looking forward to this busy season.

Last Friday I had a football game to perform at for color guard, and I knew I had taken Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday off. I didn't bother calling in to see if I worked, because I knew I took it off. Fifteen minutes before I performed, I saw Michael. He told me he was going to work and I was suppose to be working. I was so upset with myself, but i heard from my other co-workers that they weren't even busy, and it was fine i calmed down. I called in later that night to see about Saturday and Sunday, and to set up next weeks schedule. My manager told me they might consider it as "No call, no show" which then I supposedly will be fired.

I been working there for more than a year without being late once, calling a day off, or getting a official break. I earn minimum wage and I put my heart and soul on the line. I take initiative to make that a better place, and to be a better hostess. To know that they'd even consider me for a second as on firing ground hurts me more than I can explain. Just the thought makes my eyes water.

Oh well. I need to get a better job that deserves me as soon as possible.


-I'm going to try to submit some resumes now.

Bahh Busy day

just insurance that I make a post for today.

Excuse me if i misbehave

Im starting to realize that last year i wasnt really living. I went through the motions and got stuff done. I feel as though i rece tly got back to thinking in a mixed up, jampacked, and outside the box manner.

Frankly I need to get my shit together. I am Procastinating getting a new job is because i want to go to Zap zone christmas Pqrtymmj:... i need to sleep. Ill get back to this tomorrow.

Gimme ten minutes and I';ll get this.

Im not sure why I naturally lecture when I write, i supose i have this mindset that i have the secret to life and everyone needs to know. This is supose to let you know me, and indirectly about you. I am human and alive, 17 and typing.


Mainly i dont want you to think i have huge expectations of my future children. I am happy that my parents had minimal expectations of me so that i excelled on my own will. Yet for my brother jesse, he needed that push and never recieved it. I want to tell you about how ive lived so you can learn and not make those same mistakes, but i dont want you to think you can get smart about it and justify your stupid actions with mine. Yup yup. Just dont be stupid or dont get caught.

Ive recently really liked the song 'what you know' its by two door cinema or something. I just relized my auto correct is off. Darn. Smile!

"I loved you all, ever since I decided to keep you"

 My lovely mother told me that, and it's honest. I love my mother. She is a creative genius, and she gets me. I hope that everyone has a parent that is awesome and makes sense. Even though my father kind of sucks, I still love him, and I'm glad to have a amazing mother.

 I'm going to vent about my father a little bit, and I know no one is perfect but there are a few things about my dad that bug me deeply. I love my dad, his primary role is to fund my life and i respect him for that. Yet, my father having being born in the south and him being unable to read make our relationship very strained. He talks on his CB Radio constantly, and most of what comes out of his mouth is ignorant or insulting. It fills my ears with garbage and I get tired of it frequently.

 Not only do I not understand him, he doesn't understand me. He doesn't get how hard I work or what I plan to do. I planned to be in the animal health field as my career since middle school, and he hasn't cared to ask in till my senior year. He even mentioned it in a manor that was insulting, like I had no direction in life. Oh well.

One day at a time

I figured that its better to talk about the people that will become your relatives. My teacher told me today that it seems to him that kids today are more bogged down and stressed than kids in the past. I understand that concept and i hope there are drastic changes for when you grow up. To rise when things are tough is a wonderful trait to have. Next thursday is my one year anniversary with Michael and im relatively excited. Yet i cant help but think twice about how much money i 'have' to spend.

The marching band has 9 more practices. This excitess and worries me at the same time. Ill tough base with you about this hopefully tomorrow.

I don't know if this assignment is over, when it's over, or anything but here goes nothing.

I decided, I should tell you about your current state of your uncles(and possibly future aunts) and your cousins. It's easier to talk about other people anyways.

Chris (29) - He is currently a firefighter, he lives with Nadia(who had a daughter, Ava which I hope you know both of them but if not, oh well), and Tyler is currently 7 I believe. Chris is nice and he does everything he can for Tyler, despite what Tyler's mother(piper) does. It's very sweet. Chris is the one that named me Mirslav Ratskins(Queen of the Rats). i adore him. I don't have many memories of Chris, except when I was little he played with me. :]

Corey(27)- Corey is a teacher, even if it wasn't his set path from the beginning. He wanted to be a rock star, often I was held hostage and force to listen to his music. When I little he tied me up in my blanket and tied to me to the fridge. Told me the rat where going to eat me. Which is okay, because I am and was the queen of the rats. Rumor has it, i was born with a tail. So, Corey is currently with Erica and they have been together for awhilee! They're planning their wedding, and I love Erica a ton. Very cute couple.

Jesse (22)- Oh Jesse bear. He likes to jump his emotions, honestly. He recently broke up with Jessica, and he had gotten a lot nicer since. I feel like it was for the best. They both have liam(2) and he is the cutest. He likes to laugh at kicking people, and he's addicted to electronics I swear. So, Jesse works at Zap Zone with me, and he is a  'almost manager'. He's hoping to get my job with Kyle and my dad though. Jesse likes to play Magic the gathering, and rpgs. I love Jesse most of the time but he can often be a dick.

Kyle(19)- Sadly, Kyle is currently stuck working most hours of the day. Night shift at Capital Welding. Kyle likes anime and to play videos games. He hardly goes outside of the house when he's out of work. Last year he took my 7 11 every weekday and we spent like 20 dollars. He has a ton of money in the bank. xD I love Kyle, and I just wish he'd find a good girlfriend and be happy. He could afford a apartment even. Oh well.

Me!(17)- I go to a tech center for 3 hours of my school day. I study animals, and I hope to be a vet technician. Next trimester, I will be taking a college course at OCC.  I have two classes at Harrison. It's really awesome how far I'm coming along. My GPA is 3.66 and I hope to get it to a 3.7 before this school year ends. I am in Color guard and this is my season which makes me really sad. i have a boyfriend, michael and I've been with him for almost a year. He means a lot to me. :] I plan on going through college at Community colleges. OCC and MCC(Macomb) which is awesome. I'm excited for my future and I hope that everyone finds a plan that really excites them.

Bless me.

i don't know what to say anymore, I have a full plate and it's effecting my emotions. So tired, emotionally and physically. I want to write to you, every day. i want to get a full points but the reality is that my biggest fault is probably sitting to a daily schedule.

It's okay to feel sad, as long as you don't waste away on it.

Still really depressing though.

I think about writing often, that I need to do it mostly.

I keep getting side tracked though.

I think I have a disorder where I pick at anything possible. Bite my skin, nails, obsessively cleaning my ears. I know it's unhealthy but it's without thinking and  a terrible habit. Suffocating in what I shouldn't and shouldn't do... undoubtedly i sound like a teenager, but i have the responsibilities of a adult(minus bills, and children).

I want to be able to give my kids better financial support.

and Mr. Russell, i'm trying. 

Just trying to fit in my life into these 24 hour segments

and things are overflowing...

Honesty.

Alright, lets be realistic. i'm tired of this lecture crap. [I'd swear, but I'm not sure if Mr. Russell would appreciate it] So, this article I just read was about a man who was attacked by a dude with a freaking 8 inch knife in the subway, but he won the fight. Like seriously, a murderer that was on a rampage for the past week stabbing and killing people. He beat his ass, straight up. like, apparently this guy was a huge UFC fan, and even though he wasn't a first-hand fighter he was apparently comfortable with it. so, after the dude attacks him, chanting that he is going to kill him the dude like ram into him chest to chest knocking both of them to the ground. [I should be a article summerizer(sp?) as a career]. After the guy finally gets controll of the dude and the cops take over, he stands up to brush off the dirt from the floor and realizes he was freaking bleeding like crazy. The bad ass's name is Joseph Lozito.

"When the paramedics show up and rush him to the hospital, they find that he's got a 4-inch gash along the back of his head, an 8-inch knife wound behind his ear, three 3-inch-long wounds on his arms, a huge cut under his eye that's going to leave a seriously badass-looking scar, and a tremendously-gnarly series of cuts on his hands. The doctors who stitched him back together again couldn't understand how this guy was even still conscious – let alone beating the shit out of a knife-wielding murderer in a fight for his life."

If I have a son, I'd hope he is as epic as this guy. xD

Or even my daughter could.

:]

-----------------------

 I'm already late on my assignment I believe, which I take full responsibility for. My days are filled with the things that I deem most important, but still it's so tedious and stupid. I'd quit my job if I didn't have money anxiety for the future, and if I had more financial backing. It's a rough subject actually. I hope I can give my kids a better starting than I have. Color guard is okay, it just sucks that I'm not getting enough recognition as a senior. School is treating me like i am, I get to take a college course next trimester and I'll have an hour and a half to work on my independent work. I can handle that, because I am self motivated and I have initiative. I bet half of my peers can't say that. Not to be coincided, but those traits are what make me a good leader. I have my shit together, so I can manage other people's. Honestly.

Have a nice day. :)

So easy to get carried away.

 It is extremely easy to get carried away in what you want, that what you need to do gets put on the back burner. Make sure to appreciate the things around you, and the efforts that go on. Especially loved ones, friends, teachers, janitors. Put in positive and you will receive positive energy.

  I want you to be happy. I want to be the perfect balance of your friend and parental. I want to be a good mom, and I want to choose a good dad. I don't know. See this blog is weird, because I don't know anything yet. I don't know if you will hate me, love me, or feel indifferent about me. Mainly it freaks me out because I don't plan on having kids for awhile. xD

 It's okay to make stupid choices, as long as you don't tell your mother, and you take responsibility from them and learn. Smile, you're beautiful. :]

[If you haven't noticed I'm trying

to give you advice before I get too old

and it becomes a "You don't understand" thing.

But really, if I did tell you all that

I've been through I think I'd lose my magic

authority power.... Hmmm.]

Romantic-Religion-Respect

Think for yourself. 
Letting others think for you will devalue your voice and inhibit your mind(which is like any other muscle that needs to be worked). I hope that I will create a atmosphere at home that encourages free thought, and even if I disagree with religious choices I will help you celebrate your beliefs. Yet, I'm pretty sure(depending on if I marry a religious zealot.) I will not raise a child to be bias in the field of religion.

“Faith... Must be enforced by reason...When faith becomes blind it dies.”  Mahatma Gandhi  

When I grew up, I was raised Christian, by no real fault of my parents. Not that it was a bad thing, it was just I took everything as a fact because I was so young. I made remarks about how Jesus was everywhere, and in my mind I saw holographic images of Jesus that people stepped on and didn't notice. I'm glad I was raised like that, because I knew after awhile that it didn't make sense with my ethics and ideas. So, I strongly suggest thinking for yourself. Even today there are tons of kids that invest time in mindless tasks that they don't really care for, because other kids do it. Do what makes sense to you, and the friends you may make are the ones that last.

Also, with think for yourself, be yourself.

When you think for yourself, and realize what you like, want, need, feel, dream, hope... it is easier to know who you are. Act like yourself! Life is too short to not be yourself, and on top of that once you get caught in being someone else it's hard to quit.

Also, you can change. You can change yourself. Change you habits and your actions, and the way you think. Little steps make a big difference and affect the big picture.

A lesson that took me too long to learn was to respect yourself. I've noticed a pattern of doing things that inconvinece my feelings and my plans. I kept breaking down. It took me awhile of nailing it into my head that I'm hurting myself and my loved ones; which neither one deserve that kind of pain. Love yourself. Be confident. Don't let yourself fall behind because of this.

Smile :]

There once was a girl who took advantage of feelings and chased a boy away only to run after him. She stood in the front of his car freezing. The headlights framing her completely, looking forward.

And that girl was me.

Honestly.

First off, it's okay to be sad. I'm not kidding. The only way to really appreciate being happy is to know how destructive and unproductive being sad is. I may be sad more than the next person, but I let it out and move. No need to cry of spilled me.

I like candy

Especially sour candy. i can eat it constantly. My tongue can hardly handle though, low tolerance. Also, I have a knack for procrastination. Especially since I have marching band and a lovely boyfriend. So, I have four assignments due tomorrow and i started working two hours ago. I had to do a timeline, reading questions, finish a reading log, and chemistry questions. I may do these assignments last minute but I still get As and Bs. I'm hoping this year to get my GPA higher. I feel pretty damn impressive, especially when it comes to my resume. I keep thinking of things to tell you but I keep forgetting them all. I really like reading books about teenagers with personal emotions issues. so, when I find a good book I often have my nose in it whenever I get a chance. I know some kids are like that constantly, and some kids think of others that behave this way as dorky. Both extremes there are pretty much obnoxious. Now I'm going to tell you that everyone need to have a balance of things. Don't base your life off of social activities, yet you should be in solitude. Undoubtedly have a social life, and undoubtedly be comfortable with being alone.

I think too much, if you haven't noticed. Most kids in my grade don't really try to think anywhere much less outside of the box. When did thinking become uncool? Anyways. Yeah. Um. We'll discuss this later. I have to read 30 pages..... and then leisure read my book so I can finish it.

things to remind myself-
Movies
Music
Job

Reflection

At a young age my mind was set on a plan for life, and by saying young age I mean maybe two/three years ago. I'm still at a young age, and I'll never doubt that. I do however believe that I'm a pretty good candidate to become a adult. Scary, right? So as I was saying, my plan has been a huge foundation. since I wanted to be a vet, I knew I wanted a Volkswagen beetle, I loved Siberian huskys, and I loved brick houses/flat roofs. Each aspect brought it's own prerequisites. To be a Vet I had to go to college, To go to college I needed money, to get money I had to work and save. Which, I've been following that. I work, I save as much as I can. Marching band has been a set back but none the less I think it's worth it. For the record, right now my father in on the CB radio talking about 'butt plugs'... Yeahhh.

alright, I want to get into a bit of lecture because I never heard these things from my parents and I doubt my positions will change. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't treat you right. I got into a long term relationship when I was in 8th grade. Following that break up I met boys who I liked a awful lot, but I wasn't comfortable. I wasn't myself. I should of known they where doomed but every time I went blindly until they or I made the final push to decide it was over. Oh god, I just thought about what if i died before you got to my age. Shit. Then I'd be very thankful I took this project up. Isn't it funny how people's words are taken for granted, that is until they die. Then every word, syllable, thought, and action will something to remember them by.. Hmm. Alright, back to the relationships... [My dad fell asleep on the floor...... Awkward.] I've learned that if you have a relationship that has cheating, it is practically doomed. If you cheat once on a person, then something is going wrong in the relationship. It goes much further than just forgiveness, it involved change for both the doer and the innocent.

I don't know what to expext with reactions. there is no telling. It kind of almost scares me to think of all the bad things that could happen. you might not like me, I might be crazy, I might be dead, you might not care... I unno. It's weird. I'm currently working on my resume, I'm trying to get a job at a Vet office. I'm kind of pessimistic about this though.

Just general beginning,

I think, that it would be best for me to just write this all in this blog. I want to write a series of letters to my children because at this age I would

1. Want to know how my mother and father were at my age.
2. Want to see if they have anything in common with my emotional crazy-ness.
3. Want my kids to know where I came from.

Either way this is going to be a diary of sorts, just censored a little. :P

---------------------------------------------------

So, on this day(Sunday September 25th, 2011) I am extremely physically sore. I go from school, to working, to Marching Band, to school, work, marching band.... They're all things that I enjoy to some degree but they take a lot of energy in time. Yesterday was a marching band competition that the band placed first and got best music, and general effect(which the color guard is apart of). I'm really stoked, but at the same time I would just like a break. Yet, my mother and father have ways to ask to me to do something when I get some down time.

Anyways, I'm currently in the process of looking for a new job. Zap Zone is fun place to visit but they demand so much and don't give breaks, or raises. They're so focus about money that it motivates everything they do. I've worked there a for a year(long enough for future employers to know I can hold down a job) and I have every intention to quit. I am one of the best hosts there, but it isn't worth it. I want to work with animals. I want to do something I'm passionate about. maybe this will never get you, you never know. I guess it depends on how well we get along. Oh well. Some things only time will tell. I got to think thing through a little better. But to end this, here a few things about me as of today

1. I am 17
2. I have a boyfriend that I've been dating for almost a year.(Michael Hammond)
3. I am in love with rainbows, even my room is centered around them.
4. I've been in color guard for three years and it;s the only thing that I liked.
5. I have a sick sense of humor, often centered around 'Your mom' jokes.
6. I am pretty obnoxious, opinionated, and most people agree i'm weird.