Location, location, location

doesn't matter. There i was, with my self-proclaimed love of my present life. Agnst? maybe. probably. I wanted to let him know that I never want to see the man bring him down, and then I thought, maybe I already have? through I deep discussions that I work for men that purposely keep wages low, and their paychecks high. I put so much into that job, and maybe, it is my attachment to that job that is my downside. I care about how I do, and how the party parents view me. i wanted to tell Michael why i was so upset, why that day I walked into Philosophy wanting to cry(Thanks Alec for asking :] ). As i walked through that crowded hallways before class, I wanted to purposely bump into people  that were standing and talking. I was exhausted by people's crap that is superficial. My friends that do nothing wrong started to annoy me. I hate that. It was wrong of me, and I started to take it out on Michael too. There is definitely a shift in my sense of mood. I'm "just going through a rough time". The 5th of November, the day my shackles will loosen. [State Finals]

I personally believe that the state of my room(clean/dirty) impacts how my emotional state it(sensible/crazy).


Either way, teacher assign homework on Friday assuming that kids will have all the time in the world to complete it. I get maybe two hour packets of time to do it, and even then I'm either in between two things i have to do, or I miss out on sleep.  I'm guilty in a sense though. I find time to hang out with Michael too.

Monday- Marching Band 6-9

Tuesday- Marching Band 2:30-5

Wednesday- Marching Band 6-9

Thursday- Work:?

Friday- Marching Band 2:30-5(or till 11 p.m.((football game)))  Work?

Saturday- Marching Band 9/or/10/or/11- 4/or/ 11 p.m. (9-4 before we compete, till 11 when we do.)

Sunday- Work!

Hu hum.

I went yesterday to ask for applications.

I have to see Stacy on Monday.

They're open 8 a.m. to 6 p.m.

I have school and practice till 5:30.

Anxiety.

I feel as though I'm prone to anxiety. At my current job, especially in the winter I accumulate tons of anxiety. I've never knew what it was like to mentally freak out so much, that I stopped myself from breathing. which sounds terrible, but when it occurs I still have a dreadful sense of humor. One time, I got out of work, I kept myself from crying in till I walked out of the doors. The entire weekend i was a mess, crying just because of how depressed I was, I even skipped school on monday because Sunday night at 2 a.m. I couldn't walk up the stairs without bawling my eyes out. my lovely boyfriend tried to help me, but I was still so sad... I still have this job and I'm not looking forward to this busy season.

Last Friday I had a football game to perform at for color guard, and I knew I had taken Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday off. I didn't bother calling in to see if I worked, because I knew I took it off. Fifteen minutes before I performed, I saw Michael. He told me he was going to work and I was suppose to be working. I was so upset with myself, but i heard from my other co-workers that they weren't even busy, and it was fine i calmed down. I called in later that night to see about Saturday and Sunday, and to set up next weeks schedule. My manager told me they might consider it as "No call, no show" which then I supposedly will be fired.

I been working there for more than a year without being late once, calling a day off, or getting a official break. I earn minimum wage and I put my heart and soul on the line. I take initiative to make that a better place, and to be a better hostess. To know that they'd even consider me for a second as on firing ground hurts me more than I can explain. Just the thought makes my eyes water.

Oh well. I need to get a better job that deserves me as soon as possible.


-I'm going to try to submit some resumes now.

Bahh Busy day

just insurance that I make a post for today.

Excuse me if i misbehave

Im starting to realize that last year i wasnt really living. I went through the motions and got stuff done. I feel as though i rece tly got back to thinking in a mixed up, jampacked, and outside the box manner.

Frankly I need to get my shit together. I am Procastinating getting a new job is because i want to go to Zap zone christmas Pqrtymmj:... i need to sleep. Ill get back to this tomorrow.

Gimme ten minutes and I';ll get this.

Im not sure why I naturally lecture when I write, i supose i have this mindset that i have the secret to life and everyone needs to know. This is supose to let you know me, and indirectly about you. I am human and alive, 17 and typing.


Mainly i dont want you to think i have huge expectations of my future children. I am happy that my parents had minimal expectations of me so that i excelled on my own will. Yet for my brother jesse, he needed that push and never recieved it. I want to tell you about how ive lived so you can learn and not make those same mistakes, but i dont want you to think you can get smart about it and justify your stupid actions with mine. Yup yup. Just dont be stupid or dont get caught.

Ive recently really liked the song 'what you know' its by two door cinema or something. I just relized my auto correct is off. Darn. Smile!

"I loved you all, ever since I decided to keep you"

 My lovely mother told me that, and it's honest. I love my mother. She is a creative genius, and she gets me. I hope that everyone has a parent that is awesome and makes sense. Even though my father kind of sucks, I still love him, and I'm glad to have a amazing mother.

 I'm going to vent about my father a little bit, and I know no one is perfect but there are a few things about my dad that bug me deeply. I love my dad, his primary role is to fund my life and i respect him for that. Yet, my father having being born in the south and him being unable to read make our relationship very strained. He talks on his CB Radio constantly, and most of what comes out of his mouth is ignorant or insulting. It fills my ears with garbage and I get tired of it frequently.

 Not only do I not understand him, he doesn't understand me. He doesn't get how hard I work or what I plan to do. I planned to be in the animal health field as my career since middle school, and he hasn't cared to ask in till my senior year. He even mentioned it in a manor that was insulting, like I had no direction in life. Oh well.

One day at a time

I figured that its better to talk about the people that will become your relatives. My teacher told me today that it seems to him that kids today are more bogged down and stressed than kids in the past. I understand that concept and i hope there are drastic changes for when you grow up. To rise when things are tough is a wonderful trait to have. Next thursday is my one year anniversary with Michael and im relatively excited. Yet i cant help but think twice about how much money i 'have' to spend.

The marching band has 9 more practices. This excitess and worries me at the same time. Ill tough base with you about this hopefully tomorrow.