Two weeks till graduation

I have two weeks in till I'm freed from high school, and into the world of higher education. My father is gripped by illness and my mother is thrashing from okay to freaking out. i told her I'd be her rock. After all, I can't really get upset about my father as he is seemingly more hot tempered than before. Recently, I haven't been able to get a word in without him reacting like I'm back talking. Even though  I am two weeks from my cap and grown, I am having a tougher time with teacher relations than ever before. At my tech center I feel like I can't do anything to their standards. I want peace, i want to understand what i always do wrong. I'm consistantly trying my best, but it is never good enough. At the same time, I am realizing how much I've followed my plan, and how far it is getting me. My bank acount flirts with reaching 1,000 but then some unavoidable payments need to be made. Now, I am going to be paying for my drivers test, insurance, liscene plates, prom, prom shoes, a new  windshield, and whatever parts I need to fix my car. I upset with how much I interalize things. I want my parents to be proud of me for not yelling, stomping, wrecking things. I've tried so hard to not react like my mother, and the alternative is taking everything inwardly. I really do want to show this to my children, and I will continue to post whenever I have something to say.

  I've learned that teachers and doctors are not almighty. They, like all things, are succeptable to corruption. I want to make sure all my [good] teachers know how much I appreciate them.

This is always what happens

 Somethings don't click, and I know I have a bunch of shit to do today but I need to get this expressed. I am trying my best, and the only thing that I can take from is how much time I spend with my boyfriend. I know it sounds like a bunch of garbage, oh, she values her relationship more than her homework. but, honestly this may be the worst trimester of my high school career from a grade perspective. I am in class, I am conscious 85% of the time, yet I don't know that certain things are due or that are required of me. It fills me with a great sadness that this is happening, but I am trying to hard to maintain my emotional sanity while being a good student. I have no excuses. It's all my fault.

Positive energy.

   I personally believe in will power, the power of the mind. If you can dream it, you can achieve it! So, today when I found out that I may have damaged my hearing for the rest of my life, I decided to think positively. For about thirty minutes i sat in my room and thought about healing. I told my toes to my brain to heal, and I figured it's more beneficial then just for my ears. Honestly, so many people are focused with maintaining average, when I want to be better. I want to grow and be healed. I'm going to learn about auras, and hopefully this will aid in me trying to have more direct and powerful thoughts.

^ this is "Rainbow In My Room"

it projects a rainbow on the wall, and it captivates me to no end.

My boyfriend purchased one for me.

Thank you Mr. Russell, for showing us that video. It aligned with my preconceived ideas and it also defined them better by giving my stance data and facts behind it.

Plans:

-Take the Universalclass.com Aura course.

-Clean my room.

-Take steps to decrease my compulsions.

-Help, not hurt.

-Strive to do my best.

-Be up to date with homework.

 I really hope I don't appear as a hippie, because I'm not. I just think that one cannot rely on something else to better their own life. My exe told me that I appear as the kind of person that gets taken care of, and I think that is a bog insult. 

  If I can't do something, show me how. I want to learn. I feel like right now I'm going through a period of just learning, and I know that I should have this perspective for the rest of my life. Yet, right now there is such a burning passion to learn and be able to impact the world.

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I wish I could you be honest with you guys, and tell you what I've learned, and the mistakes I've made. You will have to find out for yourself, I'm just concerned that you can learn from it.

I plan on being as awesome as my mother,

just with less anger issues, and less emphasis on money.

I'll probably

still fuck up my kids

regardless of

what I do 

or do not do.

(Don't worry,  I still going to do everything in my power not to.)

Can't I ever say no?

 My stomach feels weird from the mountain dew. It's too late, I know. Anyways, i have a way of bring on responsibilities.

I just finished Marching Band,

time consuming, spirit killing marching band.

With the addition of working when i was involved in that...

Now, I have loads of time. Happy, fixing life time. 

[I still have work though]

but now I'm planning on working(Fri, Sat, and/or Sunday 15 hours),

having work study like 2 times a week,

having a college course once a week,

and earning as much certification online for the animal health field as i can.

Oh, and I'll have to be taking statistics at HHS,

and an English course online.

Possible? I think so.

If it doesn't work out I'd rather drop my OCC class.

However that whole law thing is kind of

annoying.

48 hours a week.

Work+school.

i need 15 hours to work,

and I hope that transportation doesn't count.

Ohhh well. We'll see.

Either way my schedule would be like

M- OTC 7:45-10:45 HHS 12:00-2:30  *

Tu-Work Study 8:00 to11:30 HHS 12 :00 to 2:30  *

W- Work study 8:00 to 11:30 HHS 12:00 to2:30  *

Th- OTC 7:45- 10:45 HHS  12:00 to 2:30   *

Fri- OTC 7:45-10:45 HHS 12:00-2:30 Work?

Sa- Work?

Su- Work?

[Tuesday and Wednesday may be exchanged for another weekend]

*- possible day for OCC course, no more than three hours.

Doesn't seem that bad now that I look at it now.

Maturity

Pay attention, because some times you will be left to your bare emotions,

and I'm so lucky that when worst came to worst 

I handled myself better than most.

Luckily I have healthy habits when I get upset.

I cry, and talk, and laugh when something is funny, and I try to be happy again.

To not dwell on sadness is my goal.

I have this blanket statement,

That every individual can control their emotions.

(I.E. they choose to be sad, or mad, or happy)

but in the case of someone's death, one can't really help their emotions.

So I figured out what the holes in the blanket statement were. 

A person's mental attachments can alter their control

over their emotions.

So their attachments can obviously make the feel a certain emotion

but regardless a person can choose how they act about it.

So, make wise choices about how you react,

because your reactions become habits,

which often people get owned by their habits rather than own them.

you post a title!

 Today I will go to bed at 10:40. Today i will finish my homework, and today I will take a few steps to get my life back on track.  I can't wait for saturday, because that will be the day I get some freedom to put pieces together. I'm tried of being tired and neglecting my health. Emotionally and physically.

 I hope my kids, are able to find the mental and physical strength to change their life when things go in a  bad direction. I hope that i am strong enough of a parent to assist that positive change, and not hinder it. I hope I don't mess up too much, and I hope my kids can look past it.

 Saturday is state finals. I'm excited.
Tomorrow: School Practice Work Sleep.
Last Friday of this insanity.

Happy face.

Interesting.

 I learned that some people can only see themselves, and it's mystifying how they get away with it. This girl on the bus was following inches behind a young man, and when he stopped to sit down she huffed because he became too close to her. It's crazy how people don't see outside themselves.

 I don't know if I have blind spots, and of course I'm sure everything claims that they don't have any. They see everything perfectly and their view is the right one. who knows what makes the best view? I'm sure Buddah would know. I guess, just stick to a view that works for you. The people around you will give you clues on whether it's reasonable( unless they're at fault).